I lack focus. I am like a fish drawn to shiny things. And there are lots of shiny things all over the place.
It pains me to admit this. Because I can be very focused. When I have the drive. If the drive comes around. But lately that drive has turned into a stall.
I am forever in my parking spot watching everyone pull out of the parking lot and drive away having a merry ol' time. And I'm just sitting there, with my kids whining in the back seat. What do I want to do? I'm not sure.
In the short term, I would like to do my laundry. In the long term?
Not a clue. There are so many little things that need to be done that thinking about the long term sometimes seems a gargantuan task.
What do I want to do? I want to do a lot of things, really. I would like to train myself as a vegan chef. I would like to really learn yoga, maybe teach someday. I would like to work in advertising; in an office, with coffee every morning and a commute. Heck, maybe even a TPS report here and there.
But what do I really want to set my sights on? I realize that as much as I love my children and being a mom I have other endeavors that I would like to take on. I don't just want to be a mom. I hate going to parties and after everyone has had a word or two about what they do and eyes are on me I'm all like "I stay home with my kids." Everyone's eyes either reflect pity or you can tell that the bit of interest that was once there vanished so quickly it was almost a little flash of nothing. Was it even there? Who knows, it left so fast. There's almost a bit of condescension, like "aawww, how cute. ok let's talk to the real adults now."
And I want to say: "Hey hey hey, now hold on there. Just because I'm a mom doesn't mean I don't have things to say! I have plenty to say. And even if some days I don't even leave the house, I still read and I like to socialize. Don't you take that away from me."
But I can kind of see what the mean, too. I think what we stay-home-moms do is one of the hardest jobs ever. We are expected to do so many things and without pay, vacation, bonuses and we have to LOVE it. What other job (not volunteering) requires that you give your heart and soul and blatantly denies you any sort of compensation aaaaand you're contractually obligated to smile through the tears? That sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen, no? That kinda sounds like slavery.
And even with that, what do we do? Our jobs don't get immediate results. I can't tell my kids one day, "you know, we say please and thank you and you're welcome" and by the next day they're politeness machines. Whoa! Talk about motivation!
So imagine if it takes that long for us to see results and we are here EVERYDAY, what do other people see? It is nearly devoid of value to others because 1) what do they care about me and my brats? and 2) they do real things in the real world and they have numbers to show for it. Numbers!
What do I have? Snot on my sweater.
So this is a case of me against myself and the world. I have everything to prove. To everyone and to myself.
That I can have focus. That I can do shit. That I am not just a mom. Is this a case of trying too hard? Am I acting like Ms. Houston trying to be "every woman"? Do I have a case of modern-woman-itis?
I don't know.
I would just like to add another title to my resume that has nothing to do with parenting and everything to do with NUMBERS, damnit!!
